Love...What is it?

Love encompasses so much more than we realize. Having a friend to talk to, caring about what happens to family members, hoping for the future with others in recovery. What would we do without the people around us who have shared their lives with us and with whom we have shared ours? God has placed those people in my life to minister caring, truth and life to me and me to them. I am cautious about who I share my story with. I have a hard time with people who seem intimidating. They may be tall, large physically or a little aggressive or invade my space by standing too close. I think we can all relate to that but especially survivors. It can take me back to when I was small and the adults around me were big by comparison.

Sexual abuse is not a demonstration of love! It comes from a sick and warped mindset. Unfortunately it contaminates the idea of love for the victims. As I see it, when my boundaries were violated, I lost trust and I lost my boundaries. I could no longer trust that I would be safe. As I grew older my ideas about sex were contaminated by the only experiences I had which could be seen as sexual. It created a fear in me about sex. Since I have never been married it’s not really an issue. But in reality it is. It is an area of my life that is not fully healed. I have had a lot of healing and probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for finding my church. There are a lot people there who listened to God and put their time into ministering to me. For this I am immensely grateful. I know there is more healing to come.

God loves me. That’s why He has seen fit to heal me. When I am lonely I can sit in my comfy chair and close my eyes and focus on Him. Sometimes I’ll wrap myself up in a blanket and visualize Him holding me. The hurt child in me responds to that. I grow stronger because He gives me strength. Sometimes that is the only time I relax. I can’t reject love because I would be rejecting the healing that comes from a relationship with God and others for that matter.
His love is a part of me even more than my heart is. A heart can be replaced the love of Jesus in me cannot.

What's Holding Me Back?

What’s holding me back? What’s holding you back? This was the topic question for my 12-step group last week. Since my surface addiction is overeating I have to start by asking myself why do I overeat? What is the purpose? I usually eat too much or go for sweets when I am stressed or anxious. I get stressed at work sometimes or it could be my relationships. We all have stress in our lives so what is the big deal with going for food? As a survivor of abuse, I am more sensitive to stress. I t is stressful to work on the issues stemming from the abuse. The whole experience amps up the stress level. So I am much closer to my stress threshold than if I had not been abused.

So the answer to the question why, begs another question. Why do I let myself get anxious or stressed out? There’s a statement, “Don’t sweat the small things.” Most of the things I get stressed about are small. The stupid printer at work decides to jam and I can’t fix it. A family member is making some bad decisions. Things that have some importance but aren’t worth getting stressed out and anxious over. It is a matter of being in control of my emotions or my emotions being in control of me. It’s not good to ignore the emotions or push them down, but I don’t want my emotions making my decisions for me. So my family member has made some bad decisions. I decided to support her and contact her. She asked my advice on some things and wants to continue getting together. I made a decision and didn’t just let myself feel helpless.

So why do I continue to be anxious and become overwhelmed? It is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in people close to me and a lack of trust in God. As a Christian, I know the scripture says,

“In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” Philippians 4:6 New American Standard Version

So how do I start to trust? I guess by stepping out and giving things over to God. Then waiting on Him and let Him take care of the problem. How is a person trustworthy? It is when they consistently do what they say they are going to do. It takes me many steps to come to a place where I trust a person. Trusting is something I need to intentionally practice. I can’t do it alone either; I need Jesus to remind me of my need. I need others to trust.

My Quiet Times

I find I have the need to engage in regular quiet times, for several purposes. To make time to pray, read scripture and listen to God. Also it is a time of settling my thoughts, reflecting on what was important about my day and to check myself on what I did toward my goals or what I did to sabotage my progress. If I neglect taking this time then I find I am letting things go, getting in too much of a hurry.

Usually what I do first is just sit and relax. Just let go of the day’s concerns, sometimes it feels like the tension is draining right out of my body. I don’t have the TV on or any music. Many people like playing music in their quiet time. For me it is a distraction, it is no longer quiet. Often my concerns don’t just go away, but I start to express them to God. In doing this I am turning them over to His control. I am making Him aware (as if He didn’t already know!) how I feel and why I feel a certain way. Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel until I start praying these things.

I like to try to focus on Jesus and listen. I t is hard to listen in the quiet without being distracted. I don’t hear God’s voice often. One time I did however and it was a picture. I was at a fair and walking around all the noisy rides and shows and people all around. (does this mean my life is a circus?) I looked at the far end and on the stage was Jesus sitting and He was watching me. To me this said that in all the happenings of my day, with all the things and people I had to pay attention to, Jesus was still waiting for me to come and be with Him. So cool!
That picture has been a comfort to me when I feel alone or I feel like I have let God down by not paying attention to Him. He is ready when I am ready.

Need for Nurture

Something that everyone has a need for is nurturing. We know that babies and children need nurturing. It is essential for normal development. It begins with the need to develop trust with caregivers. (Reference previous post) Research done in orphanages revealed the necessity for touch. Children who were not touched due to lack of understanding and lack of staff often did not grow and did not develop mentally and emotionally. This is called “failure to thrive”. We rarely find this level of neglect currently in this country and if it is found it makes the news.

When we think of nurturing we often get a picture of a mother holding a young child. Nurturing requires two people, one to nurture and one to do the nurturing.
Older children need nurtured differently than younger ones. Guidance, encouragement, and affirmation of who they are nurture the self-image of the child. Some people criticize the idea of developing a good self-image. They are confusing that with the feel-good-about-myself hype that doesn’t look realistically at strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities. Guidance should not be confused with being overly critical, either.

Nurturing is more than caring for a baby or young child. We need it through our life. As youngsters we receive it and shouldn’t be required to give it. As we grow up we give it and receive it. Often it is observed to be outward affection toward someone. We see kids hugging and holding hands, patting each other on the back. The intent is not what they would call nurture, but it is the same. They are gestures of support and camaraderie, often to say “good job” or “everything’s okay”.  

For many survivors of abuse, there is a great need for comforting. Often when there is a crisis the feeling of “I want my mommy” come up. It usually isn’t thought of directly like that. People want “something” to help them feel better, to take away the anxiety. The danger here is that the “something” might be alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, business or anything. Since these things provide a temporary fix, the feeling of neediness comes back. It’s starting to sound like an addiction, which could develop. I tend to indulge in food as a way to ease the anxiety and pain.
So how do nurturing needs get met? I was nurtured in appropriate adult ways when I began my healing journey. I needed a lot of affirmation and received it from the two ladies who spent time praying and listening to me. I received a lot of safe hugs too. But some things I had to do myself. I would wrap up in a blanket and hold it tight around me to get that feeling of being held. I still need nurturing, as does any adult like having feelings of wanting to be held. Being single and living alone is also a challenge. People who are married or have  someone special in their lives can receive some of that holding.

One thing I have learned that because I am a child of God is that He nurtures me. Scripture says He loves us and gives the account of Jesus’ life, ministry, death and resurrection. He has given us the Holy Spirit to commune with our spirits, to comfort and reveal the truth. He is always there, available for me when I start to have that crisis and feel overwhelmed. I still want human touch and I receive hugs at church and from family, but ultimately the feeling of needing held has to be assuaged by God.

**Nadya Suleman (mother of octuplets) said on the news just now that she “longed for a connection” with someone else. (She was an only child) So she surrounded herself with her children. Sounds like maybe a need for nurturing?