Angry

Anger...it's the thing that can drive you crazy but can drive you to make changes if you know why you are feeling it. I have been so angry about my friend's suicide.  Angry at her for giving  up, angry that she was abused, angry that people let her down.  yes, I know people are human and fail unintentionally.  Sometimes though I wonder if people were playing games...too cautious? They have their brokeness just like my friend did and I do. Sometimes a person who needs something has to ask for it.  I understand people don't want to play guessing games.  But it is an excuse for not reaching out.  When I wrote this I only had the information my friend gave me. I didn't have the view of those who she talked to. I know she was challenged by what she was presented with and chose to back away. She did not communicate with those she met with the difficulty they presented her with. It seems she didn't trust them and did not believe that the tough choices she was presented with were something God wanted for her. She did talk with the pastor about him not returning her email she sent before Christmas last year.  For myself, I have so many needs but have little to no hope of getting them fulfilled that I can't even think to ask.  My needs and my dreams are so well buried under discouragement that I'm not sure I want to open the wounds of disappointment to access them to ask again.  I know that's the wrong attitude.  I have to be vulnerable in order to get what I need. Like Oliver Twist asking for more porridge.  He stepped outside the boundaries of the custom of the orphanage.  A child never asked for more.  Never.  Never mind growing boys need good and abundant nutrition.  The response of the caretaker is what I feel I have experienced often in trying to get my emotional needs met. Not completely. It's difficult as an adult to ask for my emotional needs to be met when my emotional needs come from lack extending back to childhood. I can't ask to be held. I have suggested to a friend now and then that I would like to spend time with them.  I have spent some time with friends who are as emotionally needy as I was.  That is not usually fulfilling and a few times it has taken more from me than given.  I spent time with a friend last month seeing a movie and getting dinner at a fast food place.  Neither of us had alot of money so the movie was an extravagance and a treat.  The few bucks for the dinner topped it off.  It was a good time.  My friend has called me once since then.  She left a vague message that led me to believe she would call back.  The next day I received the call that our other friend had committed suicide.  Nothing since. I am angry, not just about my friend being failed but also myself.  When so much is said about healing and yet it is dangled just out of reach how can a discouraged or depressed person even begin to expect to be understood?  The very nature of being depressed is a belief that you aren't understood and won't be.  Who is going to reach out and demonstrate care and understanding?  Apparently this is not how things are done.  I don't want to dig a little deeper to come up with something I need to present it before someone I don't trust.  It isn't logical to be honest with people you don't trust.  If I'm not honest, why bother. I pretty much understood my friend and she understood me.  No judgement, no one gushing about praying or I should do this or do that.  No one telling me what I should do then expressing disgust when I struggled in doing it.  One thing I need and she needed is for someone to listen without trying to fix it.  I can't heal if I am being judged.  I can't heal if I am this angry. I've given up being angry...it's run it's course and I have forgiven. I am still in the process of learning to trust again. I am not sure what is going on, not sure I understand where those involved in my healing process are leading me. I trust God and it seems to me that He has me re-engaging with them in His plan for my healing. I've had to do hard things...God has been speaking to me and telling me some things and I have pretty much followed through. I am working through the material for a class I took at church. It takes a while for these things to sink in and then a while for them to come back to the surface so I can deal with the issues. It is a process that God is using to do His work in me in order to bring healing.