Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Much of this year up to this point has been difficult. A friend I was getting to know committed suicide at the end of January. I knew how she felt, I have felt that way off and on much of my life. For me, healing in the past 15 years or so relieved me of those thoughts and feelings much of the time. After the shocking news of her death I remembered those emotions and thoughts in detail. However I did not fall into that depression. It was strange to remember the feelings and not actually be in the middle of them. It took about a week before those memories began to fade a bit. However I do not want to forget them. If I forget them then I won't be able to empathize or actually do anything toward encouraging others in their journey of healing. I know “something” has to be different in order to make a difference.
I know that the point of the Christian life and of healing isn't to “not feel bad”. We live in an imperfect world where our boundaries and peace are often violated. Some boundaries are obliterated when sexual abuse happens, when violence occurs, when a life is taken. However everyday we experience people invading our space, speaking disrespectfully, cursing and so on. We often tolerate these things and sometimes aren't even aware they bother us. There are other things that violate our peace. Too much noise bothers me. Quite often it's too many people wanting too many things from me. That is basically my job right now. I get done with work and I can't stand playing the radio....it's too much noise. I need quiet. I don't enjoy being with groups of people either for the same reason. I didn't do the Easter family get together for that reason.
There is of course the greater Peace, from the one who heals and restores and that is Jesus Christ. I go to Him in the quiet I try to make sure I have every evening. No TV or computer and even no worship music, and hopefully the upstairs neighbor doesn't have his loud friend over. I have my friend Jesus over to sit in the other chair in my living room with me. I don't even have to say anything to Him.
It's in this quietness that the feelings surface. The anxiety from pushing myself at work to be who they want me to be that I am not. Fear that I'll make too many mistakes and lose this job too. The continued sorrow from my friends death. The frustration at not being able to discipline myself to eat right and have more healthy habits. Not understanding how to really love others. Not understanding love. Not feeling loved.
The point of my healing journey isn't to not experience these feelings. However it seems for me that it is the point of watching too much TV, spending too much time on the computer, eating too much and sleeping too much. So in the quiet I press into those feelings but not as an end unto itself. It is to take those feelings which are based on my wants and needs to the only one who can truly understand them and understand me. It is God who created me, who created humankind to have emotion, to have needs. It is the enemy of God's beloved creation that whispers lies to us, pushes us to interpret and fulfill our needs in ungodly ways. I am trying to understand what He has for me at this job right now. What did He create me for? I am always floundering. It seems if I learn and grasp one truth then I run out of room and another one falls off the other end of myself to make room. I wish I could mash all those truths together so they would stick and grow and come alive in me. Not sure why Jesus isn't helping me with this. I just don't know.